“I find that there are moments where my grace runs out. Moments where no matter how much I pray or fast, no matter how much I press in, I no longer can do it. My grace for that place and season is gone and the only way I can permit grace to others and myself, is knowing the next season is on it’s way.”
As I sat across from a friend in a coffee shop that day, I knew I wasn’t alone. When I heard her say these words, something in me changed. I finally felt validated in my feelings and the weight of them begin to lift. And, oh man, was I feeling these feelings. You could name them and I felt them. Anxiety, hopelessness, aimlessness, hurt, rejection, and anger. They were all over the place and were dominating the way I lived my life.
My life had come to a tremendous crossroads. There was great risk at stake and life felt as if it was swallowing me whole. I found myself in community that had dried up, ministry was at a reset point, and I was facing disappointment after disappointment. It seemed that my faith was the only thing holding me together. I was hanging on by a thin thread and I knew it. I would spend my time with God, crying out, finding the floor, carpet, and pillowcases wet with tears. Still things stayed the same.
Maybe you’ve been there. Regardless of the niceties or encouraging words others tell you- you still don’t seem to buy it. Your life circumstances don’t match up with your dreams, expectations, or anything you find yourself hoping for. Life seems to be a vast and endless desert-where no matter where you look on all sides it feels dry and barren-no water or life anywhere.
For months I stayed sinking in this hot and barren sand. Life was just ridiculously hard. And then something shifted. I firmly believe that there was a moment within me where something broke. I knew that if I physically stayed where I was I would be miserable. Misery wasn’t something I was ok with anymore.
There were countless nights of bitter tears and lack of sleep. No matter how much I tried I could seem to see the light, joy, and optimism toward life. It was a season that couldn’t have been over soon enough. Everywhere I looked screamed, “Looked at the ways you’ve failed and aren’t enough.” It was a constant looming reminder that plagued my heart.
And then one day opportunity came calling….
All of those moments of warring, wishing and praying for something to shift-it happened. I had a friend from college call and tell me she was moving to Northern California, was joining a church and movement we both loved, and she asked me to move with her.
“Could it be?” I thought to myself. My dream of living on the West Coast was available and it was literally handed to me.
But there was a catch…I had to move in 7 days.
It was a huge obstacle and a huge risk. Could I do it? I had never been to Redding, had never been to Northern California and had to uproot my life. Would it be worth it? Could I afford it? Would I find new community? As I weighed through the options- the answer became crystal clear-I could stay in the desert season I was in- or I could risk it all and go claim the next season.
6 days later I found myself on a plane, having sold all of my belongings and moving to a small town in California.
I wish I could say that moving has been all puppies and sunshine and rainbows. There have still been some days that are less than great, but overall it has been incredible.
I finally am in a place after 7 years that feels like home, community, family, and mirrors my heart. My heart is in a really good place again. There’s incredible freedom and joy here, that’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I have a space to receive, to grow, and to explore new dreams. There’s nothing quite like it.
Why do I write all this?
Because I know that for many of us-we find ourselves at crossroad, looking at both options, and deep within our gut, we know our present reality isn’t working. We can stay there. It is safe, all too familiar, and we know the lay of the land. But if we’re honest, the new thing, it only seems slightly more hopeful. The new thing requires, risk, courage, and a sense of adventure we’re not sure of. We’ve never traveled there before, and with the potential agony of defeat, we can stay staring at the intersection for far too long. We stay there paralyzed to take even the smallest step forward.
What are the risks that you’re staring at today? What are the moments where you must dare great feats to move forward, claiming and embarking into new territory? May you have the courage to make that step today, friend. I’m cheering you on!