I’ve never been one for body shaming, fad diets, or disordered eating. However, as year 30 has hit, my body has started to undergo changes. The high rise jeans that used to be a friend, bringing everything in and smoothing them out, now feels like leg prisons that are far tighter than I could imagine. Changes to clean eating and stresses of life have only led to digestive flare ups. Like it or not, my body is changing and I don’t know exactly what to do with it. As I was dress shopping with friends a few days ago, I now was in the largest sizes my body had ever seen, and felt ridiculously self-conscious. With swimsuit season around the corner, I wondered what had happened as my diet still consists of healthy and mostly clean foods. What had changed?
The day in the dressing room I hit a mental wall, and it served as a wake up call. Would I choose to love what I saw? Regardless of the pounds, the ways clothes fit, or feeling that somewhere along the way I had let myself go, would I choose to bless what my reflection now showed? The blotchy skin due to stress, the zits due to hormones, the thighs that haven’t had a gap in years, and the stomach that no longer has indentation but is filled with the marks of hard work and eating on the go. I returned from that dressing room finding the solace of my my draped tees and relaxed skinnies feeling comfortable and safe again.
I felt that I had let myself go. There’s something about when you lack confidence in your body and the other insecurities that start to resurface. Two days ago I found these thoughts surface with the loudest cries. I had to choose love right where I was. To love myself and to simultaneously move forward. Instead, I’ve put in two exercises over the past two days. I have worked from standing desks at coffee shops, have limited my naps, and have meal prepped foods that will great for my metabolism and my gut at the same time. This morning I put on an outfit that I knew would draw attention. No longer content to be a wallflower in a head to toe ensemble of black, I dressed to stand out. With black suede over the knee heeled boots, a tan tee dress, favorite silk bandana, and oversized denim jacket, I found that I was no longer able to hide. Unfamiliar with what the attention felt like, I asked a friend working beside me if it looked like I had let myself go.
Her response, “Far from it.”
Much like dressing up and a great outfit can make you feel great, it was amazing the wake up call that a few dresses and the pair of shoes could make. I’m learning to love my body bit by bit, giving it not only the latest clean eating trends, but also what my body truly needs. (Definitely not avocado or banana…)
It’s been an interesting six months as I’ve learned to love and bless my body exactly where it’s at. We’ve been on this journey together and I’ve put it through a lot. More than anything it’s grace to love where it is and simultaneously grace to move forward. Whether workouts and smoothies happen or they don’t, I will choose to love my body just the same.
Tell me, what is one thing you love about your body?
It’s time to start talking about self-love embracing exactly where you are at. (Curves, dimples, and all.)